So goodbye, and smile.

So today is New Year’s Eve

And I am waiting for a train at Alexanderplatz. Going to our Boxhagener house to collect a few items left while letting Husband taking care of Z and M at our Moabit house.

Feeling mellow right now cause .. this will be the last time I am coming to Boxhagener house 🙁

I only stayed there for a month but that house saw a lot of memories already. M took his first long steps there. It saw us struggling with finding house and nanny and all..

I have moved house three times this year and each move was so sad. Why do I have to feel so attached to a house? And when can we settle down?

2017 has been a year of changes for us. From moving to Hougang to Kovan. From Kovan to Berlin. And now from our Boxhagener house to our Moabit house.

When we moved from Hougang, we only looked for a house that is temporary or 6 months at least cause Husband already accepted an offer from Berlin and he wanted us to join him as soon as we can – it made no sense if we rent another house for a year.

But I haven’t found a job yet so the best we could do is looking for a short-term house with a possible extension.

I remember feeling so uncertain. I cursed myself for saying yes to Husband.

And then we found Kovan house.

The house was smaller than Hougang. But it’s only 5 mins away from Z’s school. And to Kovan MRT, it’s only two stops away. We also had playground right below our block.

We moved there and I secretly hoped we could call it home.

And then came that offer from Berlin in September.

We were only at Kovan for less than two months and we were already going to say goodbye to even more precious things we had in Singapore.

Our helper.
Z’s school.
Friends.
Our Muslim community.

My heart still breaks remembering all of those. I really really couldn’t bear to think about it.

But I need to follow Husband. Our family is not a family without him.

As I am typing this, I am crying a bucket.

I left Singapore with a heavy heart.

It’s been a month but it still feels like half of my heart is still with Singapore. I don’t know when can I call someplace else as home.

Maybe because I know that I probably will never be able to come back permanently to Singapore again.

Our next stop after Berlin will be another country or – going back home for good.

I .. don’t think I am ready for that yet.

I keep thinking what makes me miss Singapore so much. Sure I was there for 12 years but if I am being honest, I think I spent half of it complaining about Singapore and its system.

When I left for Japan in 2010, I don’t think I was ever this sad.

Maybe because of so many memories with my kids there?

They were born in Singapore. They thought Singapore is their home. Heck, even Z called himself “Singaporean”!

M didn’t know about all of these yet but if he does, I’d think he would also call himself Singaporean.

Agh, this post is getting more difficult to write.

I guess I need to find a way to deal with my own feelings. I can’t always cry and sad every time I remember Singapore anyway.

In the meantime..

Happy new year 2018!

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