{Dream Series} Butterflies

As we lied down on the grass, I looked at him, smiling peacefully while gazing at the sky.

“What are you thinking?” I asked. I could feel my throat is choked while I was trying to hold back tears.

“On how … in the next two weeks, I will be married.”

I could feel my eyes were hot.

“… hey, what happened to us?”

He didn’t answer me straight away. He still smiled. And somehow it made my heart ache even more.

“You meant… now?” finally I heard his voice.

“No.. I meant, years ago. When we were kids. When we were teenagers. When we were… there.”

“Aaah.”

My mind flew back to those times when we were playing together in the small field at our school.

When I teased him on not knowing social studies better. When he wore that smug on his face when he beat me in Maths. When I paid back that smug with beating him being the first rank in class.

When I realized that I thought of him more than a friend. More than a competitor.

Slowly but sure, he filled my days with so many butterflies. Even when we were not in the same class anymore, he was still there, at the corner of my mind. I looked forward to going back to school on Monday cause I wanted to see him. I stopped dreading our weekly ceremony session on Saturday cause it meant I could see him.

I thought that we had something. And I thought he felt that way too.

Until we drifted apart. I met someone new. Someone that I know is meant for me. Someone that I know I truly love.

But still. When I saw his face again, I couldn’t help but think. What if..

And just hours earlier, he called and asked if I could come to our favorite place when we were kids.

The small field.

And he dropped the news. He’s getting married.

“You know…” he started again, brought me back from my thoughts.

“I think. We were not being honest.” He turned his head toward me. And he looked me in the eyes. His eyes were sincere. And they felt warm. Somehow, I could sense that what he’s saying next was going to make me feel … content.

“We were not being honest with each other. We were not being honest to ourselves.”

“We spent too much time thinking about what could have, what should have.

And then we didn’t stop to think about our own feeling. And maybe.. just maybe.. it might have been better if we just went for it.”

And just like that. My tears rolled down my cheeks.

He smiled again.

“You may not believe me, but somehow back then, I knew. But I was a coward. I was afraid. And maybe you were too.”

“I—”

“It’s alright. I think we both also realize that we were just not meant to be.”

I wiped my tears. He’s right.

“We are okay now,” he told me. “And I just want to know, I want you to be happy. I know you are going to be happy. I know that you need a closure, and that’s what I am giving you now.”

“Thank you,” I finally managed to say it.

Thank you for being there – for all those butterflies in my stomach.
Thank you for letting me know – that at some point I was giving you them too. 

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Source

***

Note: It’s been a while and I am back with more drama from my dream. I woke up feeling so broken after this. I felt so strongly connected with this dream and it broke me down, unlike the other dreams before. Closure. I guess I just need a closure.

Diaspora

Bismillah,

Sebagai diaspora yang sudah merantau jauh dari tanah air sejak 13 tahun yang lalu, ada masa-masa dimana saya merasa homesick parah dan ingin sekali pulang. Back for good.

Saya kangen masakan Indonesia. Saya rindu jajanan-jajanan pinggir jalan yang kurang higienis tapi toh akan tetap saya lahap juga.

Saya kangen bertegur sapa dengan orang-orang dalam bahasa saya sendiri.

Saya rindu naik angkot. Turun seenaknya di tengah rute angkot tanpa harus memikirkan saya mestinya berhenti di bus stop yang mana.

Saya kangen tinggal di Jakarta – dengan segala kesemrawutan dan macetnya.

Saya rindu jadi bagian dari kota dimana saya menghabiskan 18 tahun pertama hidup saya.

Lalu saya sadar – kalaupun saya pulang sekarang, Jakarta yang sekarang sudah bukan lagi Jakarta yang saya rindukan.

Atau mungkin karena kalau saya pulang nanti, tantangan yang harus saya hadapi sudah berbeda dengan tantangan dari Jakarta 13 tahun yang lalu.

Saat saya back for good nanti, saya sudah harus memikirkan bagaimana bertahan hidup di Jakarta. Biaya sekolah, akses ke fasilitas kesehatan, sewa rumah, dsb, dst.

Mungkin wacana back for good ini hanya akan jadi wacana, atau mungkin akan kami eksekusi secepatnya. Who knows.

Yang jelas saat ini, detik ini, saya kangen Jakarta.

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Source: here

 

Oversharing dan Rumah Tangga

Bismillah,

Tetiba jadi pengen bahas ini gara-gara abis baca artikel ini.

Jangan fokus ke Nia Ramadhani nya ya :p.

Saya setuju banget sama apa yang dibilang mbak Nia dan mas Ardhie (sok ikrib, ciee).

Setiap pernikahan kan pasti ada masalah, nggak mungkin nggak ada berantemnya. tapi kita nggak pernah curhat-curhat di medsos. Kita selesaikan di kamar berdua sudah.

Dalem banget guys. And so true.

Terus komentar psikolog nya juga jleb.
Continue reading “Oversharing dan Rumah Tangga”

Kesempatan dari Papa

Bismillah,

Bicara soal kesempatan, saya mau ga mau jadi ingat Papa.

I don’t have such a close relationship with him. I am not Daddy’s little daughter at all. Memori saya tentang masa kecil saya dengan Papa adalah Papa yang keras dan mendidik saya dengan tangan besi.

Papa saya selalu bilang, beliau tidak bisa mewariskan harta pada saya dan adik-adik. Yang bisa beliau berikan untuk kami hanyalah pendidikan. Dan untuk itulah, Papa mendidik kami dengan sungguh-sungguh.
Continue reading “Kesempatan dari Papa”