Sometimes when I say “I’m okay”, I want someone to look me in the eyes, hug me tight, and say, “I know you’re not.”
It was one fine night, but I still couldn’t sleep. I kept flipping right and left on my bed, tried to shake the fear and sadness away, but I just couldn’t.
I glanced towards my cellphone. It was almost 1 am. My whole family was asleep. My sister who shared a room with me had slept since hours ago. She must be really tired after the whole extra classes for her final exams.
But.. my tears were on the verge of falling down. And I knew I was going to cry soon.
I reached my phone. I knew who was I going to call, who I wanted to call. But I wasn’t sure that he’s still up. So still, I kept flipping to right and left, unsure what to do.
And finally, when I knew I was going to break down, I dialed his number. One, two, three.. still, no one picked it up. What am I doing? I am going to disturb people who are sleeping.. what am I doing?
And then, someone picked up.
“Hey, what are you doing? Still up?”
“Yeah.. I was just…”
“.. actually, never mind. I was just thinking about something. But it’s okay. It can wait.”
He didn’t answer for a while.
“So, see you tomorrow?” I filled the silence.
“Are you really okay?”
For a split second, I couldn’t answer. And when I finally got my voice back, I said, “Yeah, I am okay.”
He fell silent again. And then, “I know you are not.”
And again, I lost my voice.
“Listen, if you want to talk, just talk. If you want me to listen to you, just say it. You don’t have to worry that you will trouble me. Just, don’t tell me you’re okay when you’re not…”
I wiped my tears. It just felt right at that time. I knew everything was going to be okay.
I am sorry for being selfish – but I just want you to hear me.