{Dream Series} I love you, but

Mia stared at the man standing not too far from her – her eyes were blank. The old man fell silent after he said these words to her.

“I made a mistake letting her go – many years back. I wish I told her how much I loved her and that I was willing to fight to be with her. “

Mia felt her eyes were swarmed with water. It hurt. It hurt so much that she didn’t know how to speak.

Do I want to suffer the same regret?, she asked herself.

“I won’t tell you what you should do,” the old man continued. “But if I could, I don’t want you to feel what I am feeling now.”

Mia blinked. She knew what to do.

She turned her back around and she dashed. To someone that she knew she didn’t want to let go.

***

Liam walked mindlessly at the airport. He had asked Sandy not to send him off – he said it’s fine but the truth is, perhaps he just didn’t want Sandy to know how troubled he was and that he’s afraid that she would know that … he didn’t love her anymore.

Mia.

That little girl suddenly came into his life. And he knew he had loved her from the moment she started smiling and let him in into her world.

From then on, it felt like Mia was his whole world. Everything was beautiful because of Mia. But at the same time, guilt consumed him. He already had Sandy. A pure, kind-hearted Sandy.

He loved Sandy at some point in time. He was sure of it. Who wouldn’t love Sandy? She’s everything you could hope for a girl. Smart, sweet, and funny. 

But she’s not Mia.

People must have thought that he’s crazy – Sandy is perfect, too perfect even. Why would he let his heart turn away from her? And how?

Liam sat down – he couldn’t answer those questions. He spent most of his nights feeling sorry for Sandy, for Mia. Blaming himself for being so clueless about how to control his feelings.

I just needed to get away from these, he thought a few days ago. He cut contact with Mia, he stopped seeing Sandy. He didn’t want to hurt anyone again.

“Liam!”

Liam froze. He couldn’t believe his ears. Was that Mia? 

Then came a hug from behind him. Mia’s voice – shaken because of tears.

“I love you, Liam. Don’t leave me. We can fight this together.”

Liam couldn’t say anything. His heart hurt. It was so painful to think that he’s now bringing Mia to a painful road ahead of them.

“Mia-”

“If you are willing to fight, I am too.”

Mia hug him even tighter. Spectators started to whisper. Few minutes that felt like an eternity passed.

“This is going to be a long road, Mia.”

Mia nodded. She knew that.

Liam held Mia’s hands. Whatever happened after this, he would be with her.

*

Note: I don’t know why I kept getting this kind of dream. Don’t you get tired of waking up feeling heartbroken and empty for the whole day, girl?

{Dream Series} Butterflies

As we lied down on the grass, I looked at him, smiling peacefully while gazing at the sky.

“What are you thinking?” I asked. I could feel my throat is choked while I was trying to hold back tears.

“On how … in the next two weeks, I will be married.”

I could feel my eyes were hot.

“… hey, what happened to us?”

He didn’t answer me straight away. He still smiled. And somehow it made my heart ache even more.

“You meant… now?” finally I heard his voice.

“No.. I meant, years ago. When we were kids. When we were teenagers. When we were… there.”

“Aaah.”

My mind flew back to those times when we were playing together in the small field at our school.

When I teased him on not knowing social studies better. When he wore that smug on his face when he beat me in Maths. When I paid back that smug with beating him being the first rank in class.

When I realized that I thought of him more than a friend. More than a competitor.

Slowly but sure, he filled my days with so many butterflies. Even when we were not in the same class anymore, he was still there, at the corner of my mind. I looked forward to going back to school on Monday cause I wanted to see him. I stopped dreading our weekly ceremony session on Saturday cause it meant I could see him.

I thought that we had something. And I thought he felt that way too.

Until we drifted apart. I met someone new. Someone that I know is meant for me. Someone that I know I truly love.

But still. When I saw his face again, I couldn’t help but think. What if..

And just hours earlier, he called and asked if I could come to our favorite place when we were kids.

The small field.

And he dropped the news. He’s getting married.

“You know…” he started again, brought me back from my thoughts.

“I think. We were not being honest.” He turned his head toward me. And he looked me in the eyes. His eyes were sincere. And they felt warm. Somehow, I could sense that what he’s saying next was going to make me feel … content.

“We were not being honest with each other. We were not being honest to ourselves.”

“We spent too much time thinking about what could have, what should have.

And then we didn’t stop to think about our own feeling. And maybe.. just maybe.. it might have been better if we just went for it.”

And just like that. My tears rolled down my cheeks.

He smiled again.

“You may not believe me, but somehow back then, I knew. But I was a coward. I was afraid. And maybe you were too.”

“I—”

“It’s alright. I think we both also realize that we were just not meant to be.”

I wiped my tears. He’s right.

“We are okay now,” he told me. “And I just want to know, I want you to be happy. I know you are going to be happy. I know that you need a closure, and that’s what I am giving you now.”

“Thank you,” I finally managed to say it.

Thank you for being there – for all those butterflies in my stomach.
Thank you for letting me know – that at some point I was giving you them too. 

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Source

***

Note: It’s been a while and I am back with more drama from my dream. I woke up feeling so broken after this. I felt so strongly connected with this dream and it broke me down, unlike the other dreams before. Closure. I guess I just need a closure.

{Dream Series} You are a couple?

“Come on, you. I don’t believe a handsome guy like you don’t have a girlfriend yet!”

Sally teased him again. I could only smile from behind. If only she knew..

“Well, I do have a girlfriend.” He flashed his megawatt smile. A smile that always makes me falling in love.

Sally’s jaw dropped. “Are you freaking kidding me?! Who is that lucky girl?!”

I approached him from behind and gave him a back hug.

“What the—” Sally’s sentence stopped mid way. I just smiled at her being shock.

“I KNEW IT. I KNEW IT!” she exclaimed again. “I knew that there’s something fishy about you guys!”

He smiled even wider. And planted a kiss on my cheek.

I was so in love. He was my universe.

*

Note: After few months of break, I finally had another weird dream. But this one left so many feelings when I woke up.. It came right when I needed it the most. When all I wanted was just to have my sweet memories back – to give me some comfort.

(Oh, and before anyone thought about anything else – the guy in this dream is my husband. And I am the girl.)

{Dream Series} Glad to see you again

“…is this really his house?” Daren asked Aran in disbelief.

Aran couldn’t answer. She was speechless as well. The house in front of them looked… unlike a house.

Did we come to the wrong address? Aran asked herself.

She pulled out a paper from her coat jacket: Tim’s address from Monica. She double checked the address of the house in front of her with what is written there.

It’s correct. There was no mistake.

But–

This can’t be true! Aran screamed inside again.

Tim that she knew won’t live in this kind of place. A very dirty and unclean place. He’s a city boy from a very rich family. This is just a joke, she thought.

“Shall we go inside?” Daren suggested. “Come on, E.”

E – Aran and Daren’s 1 year old boy – followed his dad’s footsteps. The boy just learned to walk and he’s still unsure with his steps.

Aran followed them behind. Daren knocked the door three times.

There were some sounds behind the door, and then slowly, the door was opened. A woman opened it.

And Aran wanted to cry.

“Is this Tim’s house?” Aran asked.

The woman in front of her nodded slowly.

“Is he at home?”

She shrugged.

“Can we come in?”

She looked hesitant to answer.

“We are Tim’s .. friend. We know him since university,” Daren chipped in. And Aran could sense a hint of anger when he mentioned ‘friend’.

Because they weren’t friend. Since long time ago.

The woman still looked hesitant, but then she allowed three of them to enter.

Aran couldn’t believe his eyes. This is not a house, she told myself again. There was a mess everywhere.

And then she saw them. Three little kids. Tim’s children.

Oh, God. Aran really wanted to cry. What happened with them?

The kids looked so malnourished. They looked so dirty and unwashed. The clothes they were wearing had holes at a lot of places. Their hairs looked like they were never combed.

Even Daren fell silent and unconsciously hugged E.

The three kids looked at them silently. They stood near their mother, but no one really said anything.

*

note: Another weird dream after a long time. I had a friend that once I was close with (same theme again), but we aren’t now due to some unexplainable reasons. To be honest, I am ok with not seeing him again. But I don’t know why – the dream last night was so vivid I kinda wonder how he’s doing now.

Hope he’s doing OK.

{Dream Series} I should move on

Aran stepped out from her place with some of her friends. And there he was, chatting with his friends.

Fabian.

Aran fell silent. She was hurt. She still remembered how they went separate ways years ago. Without any explanation. No more texts, no more chats, no more… us.

But she walked toward him anyway. If she was going to feel hurt again, it wouldn’t make any difference. She’s already broken.

“Hey.”

Fabian swung his head. That voice sounded familiar.

And there she was. The girl she used to trust with everything. The girl she used to love.

“Hey.” He tried to smile.

“What are you doing here?” Aran asked.

“Chilling with friends.” He replied half honestly. It’s true that he was there to meet his old friends, but he was also there hoping he could meet her.

Aran looked at him straight on the eye. Those eyes that she used to look for when she tried to find honesty of a friend.

There were so many things unsaid between them, so many things that she still couldn’t understand.

But then.

They chose to start small.

“I know.” Finally Aran said. I know why are you here. I know you.

“… I won’t go anywhere.” Fabian said.

“I know that too,” Aran told him. “Just promise me, if you are leaving again, let me know.”

Fabian could sense that she was still hurt.

“I will.”

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*

Note:

It was 2007. A friend of mine left me without any goodbye or whatsoever. It’s like our 5 years of friendship is nothing. I know that I should move on, but I also know that I need a closure. And I guess I am hoping for it more than ever, hence this dream happened. I hope one day, I can find the answers that I need, so I can move on.

{Dream Series} Again

“I really… really like you…”

Ella heard the voice from behind her. Toby’s hands were slowly enveloping her in a back hug. And Ella could feel herself moving away. No.

“Ella.”

“No,” she firmly said. And she felt like crying. I need him.

And then she left, half running.

*

Ella finally found the elevator. Harry was teaching a class at level 3.

“Ella!”

And there was Toby, still chasing her. She contemplated to just use the stairs beside the elevator. But anyway.

“Ella, wait!”

Ella didn’t care. She just wanted to see Harry. She needed to see him. She felt like her chest was going to explode. She didn’t know how to explain it, but she knew seeing and hugging Harry would make her feel better.

“Stay away, Toby,” Ella finally said, still waiting for the elevator to come.

Toby froze. “Ella, I thought you like me too.”

“No, I don’t. And I will never like you. You should know that we’re friends, and I love Harry with all my heart.”

“I know you have Harry, but I thought—”

“That I am going to leave Harry for you? No, I won’t. I will never leave him for anyone else.”

The elevator door opened. Ella rushed in, and Toby didn’t chase her.

It only took a short time for her to reach level 3, and when she finally did, she dashed to the classroom where she finally found Harry.

There he was. Standing in front of the class. It looked like they were just about to finish since everyone started to clean up their desk.

Harry noticed him from inside, and he half smiled. Ella tried to smile as well, but she was pretty sure her face denied her. She knew that her tears were going to drop soon.

And Harry saw it.

He left his desk instantly and walked through the door.

“Are you ok?” He asked with concern when he was finally standing in front of her.

Ella shook her head. She’s always honest with Harry.

“What happened?” He asked again.

Ella fell silent. Harry had been right all along. He was right when he told her not to be too kind to Toby. He was right when he told her to keep her distance. But Ella being Ella, of course she ignored all of them. And she paid the price.

“Can I just hug you?” Ella replied.

And then and there, Harry knew. “Come.”

Ella hugged him. And then her tears came. “Harry….,” she sobbed.

Harry hugged her tight.

Ella suddenly felt safe. She’s still scared, but she knew she would get better soon.

*

Note:

Yes, I had another weird dream moment. I woke up feeling so sad that I couldn’t help feeling like writing this down. I don’t know who I am sad for. Ella, Harry, or even Toby? I just knew I felt so heartbroken and scared.

Writing these weird dreams has been therapeutic so far, and maybe one day I will manage to make them as one story? Perhaps.

OK, off to work.

{Dream Series} Trapped

I need to escape

It really feels that way for Arianne.

That afternoon, she decided to just take a stroll and met Pierre. They were always on flirting mode, and Arianne would always tell herself that they can’t move further than that. She has Yongie, her loving boyfriend that she knows she is going to marry someday.

But that afternoon everything felt different.

Pierre was in his sweetest mode, and his gaze melted Arianne’s heart. They took a walk together and in between, there were sweet kisses planted on Arianne’s nose and cheeks. Pierre held her hand, and Arianne felt like she’s the most loved girl in the world.

“Arianne, please stay,” that’s what Pierre said when Arianne needed to go. And for the first time ever, Arianne felt like she indeed wanted to stay with Pierre. But… Yongie…?

Yongie is not the sweetest guy around. But Arianne knows that she loves him. Yongie is never a sweet talker either. He’s quiet, reserved, but Arianne knows that he lover her as well.

“I … don’t know,” finally Arianne replied Pierre.

“Arianne, you know I will make you happy.”

“I… know. But, I love Yongie.”

And right there and then, Arianne felt a sudden urge to see Yongie.

“I gotta go.”

Arianne let Pierre’s hands go, and she half ran.

*

She didn’t know how long she had run. But just like God listened to her heart, Yongie appeared just right at the corner. Arianne practically leapt onto Yongie’s arm.

“Yongie!”

That guy usually had the warmest smile she ever seen, but that time.. he didn’t even smile at all. And his embrace felt a bit cold for Arianne.

“Yongie?” Arianne let the embrace go a little bit, and what he saw on Yongie’s face was clearly a mix of sadness and disappointment.

“Arianne,” Yongie started. “I saw what happened.”

Arianne froze.

“I have always knew about you and Pierre all this time, and I always thought you would always choose me…but I really need you to make up your mind now.”

Arianne fell silent. Yongie was right. She can’t be swayed between two guys anymore.

Pierre with his sweet words, gestures, and promises to make her the happiest girl in the world.

Yongie that has always been her shoulder to cry on, her pillars when anything gets rough.

*

Note:

This story has no ending. Because this came from my very own vivid dream. I woke up before the scenes finished, and I was so upset that I couldn’t get to know the end of this story; Hence, I decided to note this down. Maybe one day I got to see how this drama ended.